No More Christian Nice Guy

I’ve been reading through a book I have come to find both intriguing and challenging. It’s Paul Coughlin’s No More Christian Nice Guy. In it Coughlin posits the idea that our culture and our churches are creating “Christian Nice Guys” and in doing so are damaging our families, our boys, our men, and even our churches.

Coughlin suggests that we (culture and church) have created an environment where men have become passive, uninitiated, and where “nice” is preferred over good. There is a difference, you know. Jesus was good, but He wasn’t always nice.

Let’s consider how many times he confronted (something nice guys don’t do) the Pharisees and Sadducees. He used words and phrases like. . .

• “Hypocrites!”
• “White-washed tombs.”
• “Fools!”
• “Dull.”
• “Brood of vipers fit for hell.”

Think back to the time He got angry at the temple and stood up for God and the truth of God. What did He do? Remember? In case it has slipped your mind, or you’re unfamiliar with the passage, We find in John 2 that Jesus got angry and began tearing the place a part. He even made a whip and started beating some people with it. Doesn’t sound like a guy who was “nice,” does it? So while Jesus was a good guy, He wasn’t always a nice guy. He was passionate. He was a risk-taker. He was a leader. He was a changer and a doer. He wasn’t a “yes” man. He certainly didn’t “go with the flow.” He was compassionate and loving. He was gentle, but not at the expense of His masculinity.

I go to thinking the other day. What’s the picture I often see of Jesus on the cross? It’s usually this emaciated man; one who looks like He’s been on a starvation diet for some time. But as I read about Jesus of the Bible I find Him to be a carpenter. A blue-collar man. He has callouses on His hands. The muscles in His arms, shoulders, back, and chest are well developed from years of hammering, chiseling, hand sawing (no power saws here, guys), and carving. His face is worn from sweat and dust. His skin is dark from walking in the sun that last three years. He doesn’t stand out from the crowd. He looks like many of the carpenters in the carpenter’s union. That’s the Jesus I see on the cross.
Our culture tells us to be nice . . .

• “Now you boys play nice.”
• “Be nice to one another.”
• “You don’t want to do that. It sounds too risky.”
• “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy.” - I’ve said this one a time or two

What about our churches? How have they contributed to men’s desire to be “nice”? Well, when was the last time you heard a preacher tell women to learn to relate to their husband in his language? I often hear preachers and leaders encourage and challenge men to learn how to relate to their wives. It’s like we need to learn their language. We need to get in touch with our sensitive sides so we can understand them better. Yet, I rarely hear the same leaders encourage women to learn to understand their men better. Or to learn how to relate to them in the language of men. Or to stop expecting men to be something they’re not - soft and sensitive - and encourage wives to be more sexual and hands on. It’s as though the pressure is all on the man to make things work - even if it means emasculating him.

So we give in. We allow our culture, and even our churches, to step all over us. We stop being what God created us to be - leaders, risk-takers, doers, thinkers, challengers, . . .

Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote the forward. She writes,

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind men that they are men, and that this designation is not about biology; it’s about strength, will, honor, courage, leadership, sacrifice, compassion, and love.

Here I am, a nice Jewish mother, writing the forward for a book about Christian Nice Guys. Why? Because, within the context of Christian Scripture, there is a message for all of us: Men and women are created differently, equal in value, but different. The unisex, anti-male mentality that has infiltrated all our institutions, even our religious ones, has not brought cooperation, love, and serenity to homes and lives. In order for our children to become happy, functional, loving, contributing members of this world, they need the support an structure that an intact, happy home can bring. I see No More Christian Nice Guy as a step in that direction.

Don’t know about you, but that says a lot about where we are and where we need to get back to.

Last month Coughlin’s suggestion came to life for me. I had taken my car to get the tires rotated before I headed back to Texas spend time with my family over the Christmas holidays. I was reading this book when a young lady and her daughter came in to the waiting area. As I set the book down she asked me about it. I shared the premise of the book with her. She grinned and said that her best friend was struggling - in her marriage relationship, she was struggling. It seems that her best friend’s husband was too passive. Her best friend wanted her husband to be more aggressive. She wanted him to step up and make decisions. . .to take a stand. . .to take the lead. She wanted him to be a man. Oh, both of these families, I found out, are active in one of our locals churches.
It seems that there is more to this concept than meets the eye. It appears that this is just not an idea for the pages of books, but is alive and well. . .even in the buckle of the Bible belt.
As I wrap up, here are a couple of the chapter titles:

• Jesus the Bearded Woman
• Other Earnest but Damaging Church Messages to Men
• How Being “Nice” Ruins Love and Marriage
• We’re Men, Not Eunochs
• Masculinity: The Journey from Nice Guy to Good Guy (parts 1 & 2)
• Searching for One’s Soul and Facing One’s Fears
• No More Mr. Nice Guy: Practical Help for Your New Life Ahead

Hey guys. If you’re looking for a book that will challenge your thinking about manhood in the 21st Century, check it out.

Mike

Former CNG